Where did it go?
This last year seems like a lost year. Like at fifty six years old, I have been stuck in neutral for the entire year. The thing is a lot has happened. Medical issues, a vindictive law suit, relocation, a fire that eradicated almost everything I own. There has been good also, a new town, new friends a new relationship, (now over). So I am not sad to see this year disappear into the dust behind me. Goodbye Fifty Six.
Change
And this year leaves as it began, with massive change. This time though, it feels mostly internal. The excuses have worn thin, I am left with the reality of me. And with that the fear of loneliness, lack of security, the loss of community. These things have haunted me always, but instead of living with them, acknowledging them and letting them go, I have ran, and stuffed and used people places and things to blot them out. But here I am, and here these fears still sit. Waiting like patient guardians for me to react, invoke and indulge. My payment? Anger, shame, fear and despair and the very real manifestation of all of it.
Do Something Different
So there it is, go down the same old path or sit in stillness with my demons, befriend them and let them go. I might just have a chance to simplify, to become discerning about what and who I let into my life, and have the opportunity to learn a little more about me.
It is with this backdrop I will enter my fifty seventh year. It is tough not to wonder what is in store for me next. I just want guarantees and certainty. But I know there are only two things that are certain: impermanence and death. With that in mind, this year I hope to garnish my path with love, joy, wonder and gratitude.
Now What
So this year I hope to take more risks. Within my writing and my blogging I want to be more real, this means vulnerability, (ugh). And I want to pursue the many stories that have asked to be told. I want to be in better shape, and be more direct. Finally, I want to face the fear and do the scary thing anyway. I want to be open to what the universe deigns to show me.
If you are reading this, please follow along, comment, provide insight, tell you stories. I want to hear them, I want to hear you.
[…] something had changed. The coffee just wasn’t as good as it used to be. At the same time, I relocated to Reno Nevada. This made getting this coffee difficult as […]
I understand exactly how you feel when you penned all these words. And now your 58 and I’m 63. Getting older for a man, men, is scary. Especially if you’re a man and you’re alone. And by that I mean you’re not married nor are you and a woman living together. Don’t let any man tell you different. They are lying to you, to themselves in a public manner.
And by that I mean if they are in a conversation with you or with any other guy for that matter, and they say things like, “not me I’m not scared. Not afraid.” Etc etc. In private, they have admitted to themselves how scared they are about growing old, all alone.
And age as we get older flattens a man. It really does. We come to realize very quickly that no matter how much we commit to working out we simply can’t do the things that we could do so easy in our 20s in our 30s or 40s. I’m at that age now that I used to consider old. And it seems like yesterday that I thought this. And as we get older not only earth men but also women especially they get scared.
People in relationships don’t notice what we notice because they have a partner. I found your blog, I guess we can call it that because I was researching about the “Bristlecone Pines” and the man name “Donald R Curry.” And what led me to this chase of knowledge?? I was watching one of my favorite channels over on YOUTUBE. The video is titled, “what is the oldest thing.”
The owner of the channel is Joe Scott. I highly recommend watching his short videos. And when I say short I mean videos that are not over 20 minutes. In fact the average length is 15 minutes. Do check him out. I most definitely plan on reading more, articles/stories On your blog. Most definitely. Even when I was much younger I’ve always been one that was deeply interested in knowledge.
Thank you for your thoughtful feedback on my article. I agree with what you say, I often feel the abyss of age opening up below me. I never thought I would be at this stage of my life and be as alone as I am. Most days I am okay with that. I have watched several members of my family achieve old age. The problem with that achievement is you outlive all your friends and relatives.
The points you make are all worthy of exploration and require more space than this form of interaction can provide.
But, I would like to thank you for a couple of things:
I think I may need to write something about this aging thing…again thank you for your response!
Maybe see you, “out there”
Happy Trails,
Mike
PS I will check out Joe Scott’s stuff
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