Where did it go?
This last year seems like a lost year. Like at fifty six years old, I have been stuck in neutral for the entire year. The thing is a lot has happened. Medical issues, a vindictive law suit, relocation, a fire that eradicated almost everything I own. There has been good also, a new town, new friends a new relationship, (now over). So I am not sad to see this year disappear into the dust behind me. Goodbye Fifty Six.
And this year leaves as it began, with massive change. This time though, it feels mostly internal. The excuses have worn thin, I am left with the reality of me. And with that the fear of loneliness, lack of security, the loss of community. These things have haunted me always, but instead of living with them, acknowledging them and letting them go, I have ran, and stuffed and used people places and things to blot them out. But here I am, and here these fears still sit. Waiting like patient guardians for me to react, invoke and indulge. My payment? Anger, shame, fear and despair and the very real manifestation of all of it.
Do Something Different
So there it is, go down the same old path or sit in stillness with my demons, befriend them and let them go. I might just have a chance to simplify, to become discerning about what and who I let into my life, and have the opportunity to learn a little more about me.
It is with this backdrop I will enter my fifty seventh year. It is tough not to wonder what is in store for me next. I just want guarantees and certainty. But I know there are only two things that are certain: impermanence and death. With that in mind, this year I hope to garnish my path with love, joy, wonder and gratitude.
So this year I hope to take more risks. Within my writing and my blogging I want to be more real, this means vulnerability, (ugh). And I want to pursue the many stories that have asked to be told. I want to be in better shape, and be more direct. Finally, I want to face the fear and do the scary thing anyway. I want to be open to what the universe deigns to show me.